Happy Birthday

Is your birthday.
Happy Birthday....

You are the song inside my soul

I visited grandma in the same hospital you breathe your last breath.
I have mixed feelings before i enter the ward
Sudden feeling of sadness, lost and emptiness swept over me
It was the same feeling on 160707
the day i will never forget in my entire life

The moment i saw your grandma
i felt bit of relief
i felt that you were around somehow
grandma is fine
she has fallen and hurt her hip
no infections or surgeries were needed, only a certain type of corset might be needed to support her body
she is in fact very healthy
she has strong bones, strong teeth and even sharp memory
sharper than mine
i looked around and i saw similar or even slightly elderly women around
some were in deep pain and some were having dementia
in comparison, grandma is really much healthier and stronger than any of these women
but the motivation to continue on is weaker than any of them
you were her only hope to continue on
now that you are gone..she felt nothingness
i could see the emptiness in her stare
the same emptiness i felt or even i feel until today
empty and hollow and gloomy

I have really learn a lot since your demise
I see the beauty of some people who were so supportive and so concern
and i also see the not-so-beautiful side of some
i guess this is life and nature of human
there will be no perfection in life

I am surprised that i started to see things and problems as trivial matters
the things that usually triggers my nerve
has little significance effect to me now
what else could be more important than life or death matter?
good change or bad change?am not too sure

Yesterday, Yin Ping, Ah How, Mei Han and I visited May Yee's "ling wai" at Kuan Yin Temple, Ampang for her birthday.
He exact birthday is tomorrow, 11th Dec.
I miss the time when we all gather around nice ambiance restaurant to celebrate birthday
i really miss the time
i really miss you

May the blessings of the Triple Gem be with you and your baby

on the other side

am sorry if this post is irrelevant.
but i hope we all could pray for the demise of my fren's sis and her 3yr old son.
They are brutally murdered.
More story HERE.
But please don't believe fully wat you read in paper..not everything is right.
please pray for them..
gosh..what's happening in this society?

24.10.07

if i am not wrong..u might be having a full moon party around this time....
gosh...it seems like yesterday....we were talking about the plans ..how you wont be able to celebrate my bday due to confinement period
remember how we planned to go Bangkok again...you said u really like to shop there
last week i traveled to Bangkok without you....
the decision was made so "impromptu" because i needed a trip badly
i look at the sky in the cab and on the plane..and i ponder on the questions i have asked many times..why?
i try to find the solace and serenity i longed for
although mind was crowded with thoughts of you and other problems
i am at least..alone and relaxed..

i visited your grandma again few days ago..
i am not sure why..whenever i see her in your house....i could just feel you
i cant stop staring your red school bag that is placed on the chair
i could imagine you sitting on the chair studying or talking to your grandma
grandma still misses you so much
i try to comfort her as much as i can
for i know is always easier said than done
only time can heal
i am really not sure how long it might take

i will never forget you in my prayers
i love you and miss you dearly...

Our gathering without you

Dear Carrie,

I thought of you so many times yesterday. I was driving down town to meet up with Ah Yuh for her birthday and our moment together kept on revolving like a drama. I really miss you so much. You would have delivered by now and must been busy getting back to your fit bodyline.

Yesterday was just me and Ah Yuh. Ah Peng went to Malacca for holiday so it was a small get-together. We were talking about you and admired the initiative you always put in for all our birthday celebration.

Ah Yuh showed me her Eygpt photos and I was busy updating her on my Europe trip. We bought her a perfume as pressie.

You always planned for all our gathering and birthday at least 6 weeks ahead. You will always be the first one to send e-mails asking for ideas what to buy or checking where to go. Things have now changed without you.

You always be the first one to arrive waiting for us who always never been on time )P: The amount of effort that you have put in is a strong indication that how much you care for us.

Now when I look back at all the photos we have took together, it brings back so much happiness and planted a smile on my face.

Miss you always,
MH

13.10

May Yee...yesterday was my birthday...
i can't stop thinking about you as you will always organize a proper and nice bday gathering for me every year...
13th Oct will never be the same anymore..
maybe it has been a day i have shared with you for more than 20+ years?

after u've left me, i have learnt so much ..learning from my regrets..of postponing things i should do for friends..or taking people as granted at times.
i regretted that i have rejected meet ups with you due to work/study...

i didn't plan to celebrate this year..but i am very touched with the bday surprises i got..
it makes me realized, i have so many caring and nice friends around me...
i really hope those who are reading this..will always treasure your loved ones and friends around you
for me, i don't even have last chance to say anything to May Yee
i could only wish that she could hear me...
i could only look at her pretty pictures and pretend that she is smiling back at me

but i know what i should do now is to treasure all the friends i have now
I've learn to appreciate people and things around me when you were around...and even now, i have not ceased doing so but i will put in even more effort.....
thanks May Yee.......

p.s:yesterday i dreamt of you smiling sweetly to me.......miss you baby

xoxo,
CKPY

80 days

Dear May Yee,

I have visited your family last Saturday. They are better now but i could still feel the remorse and sombre atmosphere..
grandma said she often dream of you crying at night..she misses you dearly..
goshhhhh.....i miss you dearly too...

80 days have passed..not a day is passed without thinking of you....for being part of my life for 22 years...everything i do..every place i go..every thoughts of you will seep in unconsciously...

I used to call you while driving back from work cause you know i tend to fall asleep while driving..
that day unconsciously i dialed your number...
i paused and i cried and cried like i just realised you are not around anymore..
i just cant get used to it yet...really......sometimes when i wake up..i wish it was all some dream..

Movies in cinema dont seems to attract me anymore..i had so much funny/sweet/tired and scary experiences watching movies with you...

I asked one of your staff in the outlet..and he told me that they have found a guy to replace your position..

people have moved on..things might have changed...

what else can I do for you?

i will pray for you and your baby everyday...I miss you..

p.s: the postmortem result is not out yet...

Pictures of Carrie's younger times....miss you so much dear...

I am posting comment from May Yee's Dad..Uncle be strong...call us if you need to talk to....please take good care
Dear Mei Han,
I'm May Yee's dad & I am very touched by the great friendship all of you gave to her. How I wished she were still with us. It is indeed tragic for her to leave me at such a young age.

I really regretted that I didnt have much communication with her when she was alive. I was worried that she might still be angry with me & therefore I always postpone further communication with her.

I had wanted to express to her that I truly loved her although I didnt showed it out. She is always in my heart no matter what.

Hope she'll have eternal peace with her son.

Finally, if May Yee can hear me, I pray she'll forgive me if I had in the past unintentionally hurt her.

A little experience to share...

Dear Carrie,

I'm sorry that I wasn't around to visit you last month. I just returned from Europe last week and this trip has nurtured me to a more matured person. I knew going to Europe was always one of your dream and allow me to share that with you.

I fondly remember the last conversation we had in early July where you called to ask about the weather in Italy. Weather has been the most talkable topic in central Europe. Summer was cold and everything seem to have gone upside down. Again, I must admit this got to do with what we have done to the mother's nature in contributing to the global warming. Trees are chopped down, animals were skinned and killed, earth erosion and every possible damage to the poor mother nature are happening in the span of each seconds.

I got into London on 18AUG and getting clearance at Heathrow was a pain in the butt. I endured a 2 hours queuing at the immigration for a tight & thorough check. Heathrow is a very old and nostalgia airport which resemble nothing of our KLIA. The journey tooks me closed to 15 hours (plus my transit in Survanabumi) into London. My butt was paining and I was walking round the aircraft to just relax my legs.

I left for Rome on my birthday, 22AUG07 and was warmly greeted by the kind weather and the city is one of the most ancient place I had been before. Colloseum was magnificent and roman forum was nothing less than that. I was so in awe to study the architecture which stand like 30 storey before me without a single nail used. My head was full of doubt that I wish someone can step forward to answer me how on earth they managed to bring such a huge stone and well shaped on stand. God's creation was always amazed me in many many way.

Rome can never be departed from the history. Everywhere I walked, there will surely a small sculpture or a proudly standing building to signify the glorious moments of Rome empire.

I was overdosed of pasta and pizza. The pizza was thin and crispy but nothing can ever beat the yummy Italian gelato (ice cream). I had like 10 cups in the course of 4 days and for that I have spent RM100 just for ice cream.....

I went to Pantheon and make a wish at Trevi Fountain. Spanish steps was forever crowded by tourist and from there, you can see the overview of the branded shops right from the steps.

The rest of the time in Rome was covered by sight-seeing and visiting museum. Sistine Chapel in Vatican city is so magnificient. I almost had my neck frozen to look at the gorgeous painting on the ceiling but every pain are just so worth it. Michelangelo's painting is the highlight there. Getting into vatican took me almost an hour with the overcrowded tourist.

After 3 night in ancient Rome, I moved on to Pisa. I was so excited to see Leaning Tower from far and taking photos was never easy. So you probably have to bear to put the rest of the tourist into your photo. After spending a great day in Pisa, I took a train up to Florence. Gosh! Florence was so beautiful in every way. I saw the great David by Michelangelo. It was a breathtaking place that is so enchanting in every way.

Then I went up to Venice for two days stay. Venice is absolutely gorgeous and it's so romantic. I had a great time there walking around, eating the famous black ink squid and had myself put on weight.....

From Venice,I flew to Berlin, Germany and spent 3 night there. I went to see the Berlin wall, got myself fell from the bike at Potsdam, hugged the peace bear and do lots of fun things there.

After Berlin, I went to Dublin, Ireland. Sweet Ganesh greeted me with a bunch of roses and chicken curry. Actually his cooking is not bad at all. I went to the birth place of Guinness and had 2 glasses of it.

I went to Wicklow and had my hair completely messed. It was so cold that my hands were shaking. The view was spectacular.

Having spend 3 days in Ireland, I got into London and went over to Paris for two days. Paris needs no introduction. Walking along the Sienna river is enough said. The mood was romantic and Eiffel Tower is absolutely breahtaking. I took a night cruise and saw the original Statutes of Liberty.

I went to the LV Headquarters and went in. Ganesh bought a purse there. I was so tempting to get myself the handbag that I have been eyeing for. I didn't buy anyway.

I return to London and cover the rest of the sight-seeing there. The trip has been one of the best and in anyway, I appreciate the chance for exploring Europe in a great deal of way.

Signing off for now.

After 2 months...

16th Sept marked the second month after May Yee's demise.
I still miss you....Am sorry I have not visited your grandma..things have been pretty rough too at my side...
However,
I wish to transfer the merits I gained from past 2 days 30hrs famine camp to my beloved May Yee.

May you always be well and happy.


-Only for Buddhists:By doing meritorious deeds, they can transfer the merits to their beloved ones for their well-being. This is the best way of remembering and giving real honor to and perpetuating the names of the departed ones. In their state of happiness, the departed ones will reciprocate their blessings on their living relatives. It is, therefore, the duty of relatives to remember their departed ones by transferring merits and by radiating loving-kindness directly to them-
Source: www.budsas.org